In my head….

We all have agreements we made in our lives based on what has been instilled in us as kids from our parents, family, teachers, friends etc. and what was exposed to us in the environment we were raised in. However, some of these agreements are the main cause of certain problems we face as adults that block us from progressing to our full potential. I grew up in East New York, Brooklyn. Growing up in the hood you are exposed to an aggressive environment. You are taught to survive, to defend yourself by any means necessary. Having to go underneath your desk when you heard gun shots wasn't surprising. Friends getting shot and killed was "normal". Most of the males sold drugs so the chances of dating a drug dealer was high. My parents weren't the happiest parents together lol so my home consisted of a lot of yelling and arguing. I went to school where if a girl didn't like you they had no problem putting their hands on you. The teachers like most teachers in the hood could give two craps about you, they were their for check and that was it. You had your good ones but not many. At home we ate the "regular" spanish household dishes, rice, beans, chicken, pork, steak, and platanos lol. My parents worked a lot to make ends meet. My mom was a home attendant and sometimes worked overnight shifts. My dad worked at a cementary hustled on the side by selling belts, socks in the street. By 15 I was going to school, working after school and working on the weekends. So my agreements became the following:

1. Don't take shit from no one

2. Hit or be hit

3. Eat whatever fills your stomach

4. Hustle and make money by any means necessary

5. defend yourself by any means necessary

6. Be loud and obnoxious

7. if you feel a certain way don't hold back, speak your mind

8. Only respect the ones who respect you

10. dye your hair multiple colors (lol)

11. Buy all the latest sneakers and name brand clothes so you can be "cool" and "accepted" in the hood.

12. Get Tattoos because its "cool" and "everyone" has it

13. There's no time for anything

14. SURVIVE

I can honestly go on forever lol but I'll leave it here. Due to these agreements and the many trials and tribulations I endured growing up (that's another story lol)  I found myself in my teens selling drugs, dating a drug dealer, working multiple jobs, I had a filthy mouth (I cussed so much it was disgusting), I spent money like it was going out of style to show off, I had multiple physical altercations. By my early 20's I was trying to leave the physically, verbally, mentally abusive relationship I was in, I had multiple health problems, my BMW car was almost lit on fire (yeah i woke up to gasoline all in my car), I had all this money all these fancy clothes, car yet I was so LOST. But here is one thing I never lost and that was the solid foundation my Dad built inside of me. So when my life crumbled into pieces, I went right back home to Daddy to get life back. I left EVERYTHING and walked out with $3 in my account. Although my dad had warned me of all the repercussions from my actions I had to fall on my face and learn on my own. Sucks but its usually how it is. By my early 20's I then began my journey of self discovery…here I was all these years inside all these different "characters" but when I sat and reflected on my life I realized I wasn't the girl with bleach blonde hair, purple hair, red hair….I wasn't the girl who had multiple piercings and tattoos everywhere…….I wasn't the girl with all that make-up…...I wasn't the girl who sold drugs…..I wasn't the girl who let a man walk all over them and stay because of shame and guilt…..I wasn't the girl who dressed to impress the world….I wasn't the girl who would abandon their family…….I wasn't the girl who would cuss and yell at people…..I had no idea who any of those people we're so then I asked myself Who are you?…..I had no clue. I began to find the things I did like….I liked how independent I was, I liked how I work a lot despite my "crazy" choices in life, nothing ever stopped me from making my money, I just chose to let a man control that money of mines before….I liked how me and my dad and brother had a great relationship when I was a little girl, I liked how no matter what my family always has my back when shit hit the fan, I liked the bond I built with my childhood friends, I liked to make people laugh, I liked to inspire people, I liked to dance, I liked to act, I liked to write, I liked to perform, I liked being a leader…..Through the "crazyness" I lost all the things that defined me and I wanted them back. I came to terms with myself why I made the agreements I made, I discovered the root to the problem and I made a decision to change. We can only change the things we are aware and conscious of. The more aware I became of them the easier it became to change because I know that wasn't me nor the person I wanted to become. Somehow through this journey of self discovery I have managed to create new agreements, a new way of thinking, a new swag, a new set of eyes, a new approach on life……I chose to take my strengths and build on them and eliminate my weaknesses. The beauty of all this is that each and everyday we grow, we make new agreements based on what we chose to expose ourselves to. Keep people that uplift you, motivate you, inspire you, challenge you, and bring out the best in you. We focus so much on the world and proving something we loose ourselves in the mix……Find yourself and know yourself….for then is when you can truly find your purpose in life. 

                     "Your own self realizaton is the greatest service you can render the world"

Till next time….Jenn Pinto